21 Jul 2009
in Old Writings Tags: non-fiction, Peyups
Nung una mong sinabing sa wakas ay natanggap ka na at sa katapusan na ng buwan ang alis mo, alam kong dapat matuwa ako para sa’yo. Kaya natuwa naman ako kahit alam kong hindi lang ang buhay mo ang magbabago, kundi pati na rin buhay ko. Alam ko na agad dun pa lang sa sinabi mo.
Hayskul tayo nung nasalubong ko sa corridor ang kaibigan ko – na kaibigan mo rin dahil magkasama kayo. Brown na brown ang suot mong contact lens kaya naalala ko. Akala ko nga matanda ka samin kaya nagulat ako nung sumunod na taon nang makita kong magkaklase tayo. Ang taray mo pa nga eh. Pero gusto kita talagang maging kaibigan kaya dinedma ko ang katarayan mo. Binigyan kita ng sulat na may kasamang bookmark para gamitin mo sa sandamakmak na makakapal na romance novels na forever binabasa mo. Natuwa ka sa sulat ko, at pati na rin yata sa bookmark, kaya napilitan kang maging kaibigan ko.
Mula noon, lagi ako sa bahay mo. Lagi rin kita kausap sa telepono. Gusto kasi kita kasi gusto mo ko kahit baliw ako. Gusto mo rin lahat ng kadramahan at kagaguhang kaakibat ng pagiging tao ko. Gusto kita kasi lahat na lang yata tinatawanan mo.
Nung umalis ka, naningkit ang mga mata ko sa kaiiyak. Natuliro ang boyfriend ko kasi hindi ako nagsalita pero nagngangangawa ako ng isang buong linggo. Di ko masabing sobrang sama ng loob ko kasi hindi kita nakita ni nakausap bago ka sumakay ng eroplano at iniwan ako. Hindi ko rin naibigay ang sulat na utang ko sa’yo.
Inabangan ko ang pagbalik mo, na itinumbas ko sa pagbabalik ng buhay ko, at ng parte ng kaluluwa kong sa pakiwari ko ay dinala mo. Ano ba naman ang isang taon…
Isang buong taong wala ka para tawagan sa kalagitnaan ng mga gabing wala akong makausap, wala ka para puntahan kapag magulo ang aking utak. Sana kung andito ka, baka gumradweyt ako. O kung ‘di man, andun ka para sa akin nung dinisown ako ng tatay ko. Sana sa’yo ko tumira, ikaw ang nagpakain sa akin, ikaw ang nagbayad ng mga pamasahe ko o kung ‘di man magkasama tayong naglakad paroo’t-parito. Sana natulungan mo ko nung away kami nang away ng boyfriend ko – tutal kasalanan mo naman kung bakit naging kami. Nung dinala ko kasi siya sa bahay mo para tingnan siya at itanong kung ano ang gagawin ko, sinabi mong sagutin ko ng oo dahil gwapo. At higit sa lahat, sana sa kama mo ako natulog nung mga gabing ayokong matulog sa akin. Sa kama mo kasi walang nangyayari. Sana ikaw pa rin kasama kong magyosi, maglasing o uminom ng kape. At hindi kung sinu-sinong lalaki.
Kung iniwan mong magulo ang buhay ko at dinatnan itong mas magulo, kasalanan mo. Kasi iniwan mo ako at nawindang ako sa kakahanap ng kapalit mo.
Kung alam mo lang kung gano kita hinanap. Kung ilang sulat ang ginawa ko at ilan pa ang naiwan sa utak ko dahil lang hindi ko alam kung pano sila makakarating sayo. Kung ilang beses kong inangat ang telepono para i-dial ang mga numerong ni hindi ko alam kung ano.
Pero isang taon na ang nagdaan. Inipon ko ang lahat ng kwento ko, pati na ang mga luha ko para sa pagbabalik mo. Pero hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin nakikita ni anino mo. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung saan ko ipapadala ang mga sulat ko. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong mga numero ang ida-dial ko.
Love Stories : Bakit Galit Ako Sa’yo
Contributed by angkULET (Edited by the_messenger)
Friday, June 18, 2004 @ 05:20:56 PM
First seen online here.
06 Jul 2009
in Old Writings Tags: non-fiction, Peyups
Contributed by angkULET (Edited by wkt)
Wednesday, October 29, 2003 @ 04:01:11 PM
This letter was written with the intention to let your fears subside and let your mind be pacified. I must admit that right now I have no idea as to what you are feeling, simply because I choose not to think about it. My mind is full of other things, things that I think deserve my attention the most. I am sorry if you are as affected as you are, but I cannot do anything about it except write you this letter in the hope that you may understand.
I am alone. I have not found somebody else. Nor do I have any intentions of doing so. I am content living my life on my own, living by myself and thinking of no one but myself and nothing but things that concern myself. No, I am not being self-centered. I just donâ€™t have the capacity to think of other things anymore. My mind is as troubled as my heart and my thoughts as jumbled as my life. And I hope that answers your persistent question as to whether I am missing you or not.
Unlike you, I do not and will not send text messages asking how you are, where you are and what you are doing. Itâ€™s not only that I am preoccupied with myself but also because I simply do not want to know. I do not want to think of you. I do not like thinking of you either. So, most of the time, it seems to me as if you donâ€™t exist or that there used to be someone like you, named as you are, in my life. However, you may find some consolation in knowing that I speak of you often and mention you in my many conversations with other people, most especially those who chose to stay even when I was at my worst.
You could have not foreseen that an incident that kept being repeated in the course of many months, the last months of our struggle to keep the relationship, would lead to something like this. Neither did I. Although many other things and people were instrumental in making this possible, your role and your actions were pivotal. It was the turning point. If at times during your musings you happen to think of whose fault it is that we separated, I hope that you remember the night when I came to you and you turned me away crying like the crazy girl that I am. And further, I hope that the words you uttered to me that fateful night will keep on ringing in your ear, serving as a constant reminder that it was your words causing you this pain.
I can stand on my own two feet. Now I really do believe I can. For after all, I had my two feet even before you came along. In fact, I didnâ€™t need an extra pair. I can find my own way to the movies, to the mall, to the restaurant, to my tambayan, and most especially to my house. Now that I think about it, the extra pair of feet that came with the relationship only meant I had to go to more places and mingle with more and more people with still more feet, even to those I had no business with. I realize now that my life is complicated enough as it is and I do not need to concern myself with the intricacies of another personâ€™s life. My own is heavy enough for me to carry. I shouldnâ€™t be putting up annexes.
It may gladden your heart to know that I am doing well. I hope it does anyway. I am coping. My life is less stressful, merely because it is simpler. I need only to think about myself and things somehow turn out fine. I know I will get through this difficult segment of my life and it gives me such pride to think that after this is all over, I will have no one to thank for but myself. Or that if I have a list of people I would have to thank for, it is shorter, simply because it does not include you. If I think this way, can you blame me? You left me when I needed you most.
I do not think of the happy times we had or the good things we shared. The good things do not make up for the horrible, to the point of being pathetic, times I had to go through for you and because of you. Now I find comfort in knowing that it is all behind me now, I will not go through it again and more importantly, I do not have to take it from you. When I think of you, what comes to my mind is that, â€œThank God it is over.â€ I do not think of the good things, because it drags with it memories of the bad. I simply do not think at all anymore. And it suits me just fine.
I have by chance come upon this book by a certain Joshua Harris entitled, â€œI Kissed Dating Goodbyeâ€ and it is as if there was something other than pure chance that brought this book into my hands. It has changed my way of thinking and I believe, did a lot for my thought-remodeling. I would like to share with you the things that has been pricking my brain. But I guess at some other time.
This article was first seen online here.