Posts Tagged ‘mommyhood’

My mom, wearing a fab knit hat despite the sweltering heat, came to visit yesterday. It was a present from her friend’s mom in the U.S. she said. My mom is looking good despite the absence of hair, or the presence of little ones sprouting all over her bald head, and her hat looked good on her. As I was preparing Lia for her afternoon walk, putting her shoes on and trying to tie her hair so that it doesn’t get into her eyes, my mom took out the feathered flower from her hat and clipped it onto my daughter’s hair. My daughter did not take it off.

I put her on the the pink and blue tricycle (that can be converted into a bicycle for when she is older) that she made us buy for her last Saturday in Megamall. A trike she loves so much that a few days ago, she insisted on taking her bath while she sat on it. A trike she loves so much but does not mind sharing with our dog Ewok as long as she gets to push it, just the way her Mama pushes it when she is the one sitting on it.

Yesterday, I decided it was fun if Lia and Ewok both sat on the chair – and they both loved it! I ran inside to get the Canon camera, as mine is still at the service center, but found that Ryan had brought it with him to work.  I got my mom’s digicam instead and took photos with it until it ran out of batteries after three shots.

The following photos were instead taken with my Nokia 5630.  The nice photos with Lia and Ewok both sitting on the tricycle are in my mom’s digicam.

***

The wind blew the feathers in her hair and she just had to wonder…
what is out there in the world yonder?

A look of love was in her eyes
Enough to melt her mother’s heart..

I love you and days like this, it seemed to say
And her mother thought, “Baby, I hope you will always look at me that way.”

Ahh, the days pass us by in the blink of an eye…

And we all try our best to hold on to pictures and memories
For in the end, we will have nothing else but stories..

I sat on my chair, with myself and the dog, rested my head on the top of the back support, only to look up at a graying blue sky and one lonely, shining bright early evening star; and I think to myself, you are my one shining bright star, even more made lovelier in the wet pools of my eyes.

This is not supposed to be that hard. I am supposed to enjoy this time for myself yet here I am wallowing in my loneliness, missing you like I have never missed you before. I realize that for the past two years, there was nothing else in my life but you. You for whom I quit my job, my studies, my friends and almost everything else to have. You for whom I have basically lived my life for. You, the one lovely, the brightest ever, star to have graced my life.

I sat there and hit my head against the wall. I’m supposed to be doing things I cannot do when you are around. I’m not supposed to be sitting here, doing nothing and just wallowing in my longing for you. I am supposed to do some thing, many things.

So I gathered your laundry and prepared to wash them, breathing in the smell of you. I gathered the dishes in the sink to wash, your bright pink plate, spoon and fork making a plastic sound against the china and the glasses. I took out the Kleen glass cleaner, sprayed it on the giant mirror hanging over our dining area, on the television set and on the living room side table and started wiping your hand prints off the surfaces as my vision blurred, my eyes swimming once again in little pools. I almost held my hand back, hesitant to wipe the traces of you off our little surfaces but I remember that I have to clean it, so you can make new hand prints. I thought of the wonderful big smile on your little face as you wipe and splatter food all over the television yet again and I had to smile myself.

I went up our bedroom and started taking the sheets and pillowcases off to wash tomorrow, hoping that you would not mind the clean springtime smell when you come back. I know you always resent it when the bed does not smell of Mama and you. I know you resent it when I change the sheets without asking you so I always had to change it as you watch so you would know that even if it does not smell the way you like it, it is still the same bed.

I had to clean up our little play-work room so I can work and think better and also so that you can have more fun looking for your things in all their proper places – that is, not in all the places where you last left them, scattered and cluttered about.

After all this tidying up is done, I have to mop the floor. I know you don’t mind the dirty floor but I do. I’d like to walk around and not have all kinds of things stuck to the heels of my feet.

We must get a maid soon I know so I can devote more time to myself and to some form of work instead of spending all my time cleaning up after you and the increasingly amount of mess you are able to make each passing day. I know when we had the maid before, it did not benefit you at all. It was all for me and the next time, it will still be. I know you’d be happy to spend all your time with me here at home but Mama has to do things for herself too. For that, you will have to forgive me and I hope you understand.

If you are wondering why you’re not where you’re supposed to be right now – sleeping in our own room, in your own crib, waiting for your Mama to move you to the big bed so you can sleep the rest of the night next to her and wake up to the sight of her face, it is because Mama has to be out tomorrow afternoon for a little job interview and she has no one to leave you with. Papa is out of the country again because of work and there is no one else to look after you but Lolo and Lola.

I know I asked for some time away but I did not ask for three days and two nights. I know it is not the first time you will be sleeping without me, waking up without me, and maybe you wonder why Mama is all distraught. Let me tell you that I do not mind sleeping in another bed, in another room without you for a night or two, as long as its not in this house. I have always slept with you in this bed ever since you were born. I spent every waking and sleeping moment with you for the past twenty months and tonight will be the first night I will be sleeping in this bed without you. Until this evening, I guess I have never really known the true meaning of longing.

I hope you are having a good time wherever you are. I know you will be very busy exploring your new environment and perhaps might not even notice my absence, until the middle of the night, when in your sleep you search for the scent of my skin or the feel of my arms and even my palms on your own little ones. After all, the kids never miss the parents as much as the parents miss the kids..

… but I will see you soon my love.

..

…

Okay lang yan, masaya naman siya eh. Ansaya-saya!

These are photos taken by my friend Cheekay when they visited Lia and me at the apartment. Love these photos! They are too cute!

I tried to put her on my shoulders and she was too heavy. Hahaha! I love this photo because it reminds me of a mother going down the mountains to sell her wares or produce (like vegetables) in town. I am soo rural like that! Or maybe rice… 8.5 kilos of rice.

That’s her new thing these days. The rest-my-head-or-cheek-on-any-part-of-your-body thing. What a sweet little thing… Also, a shiny face is still a shiny face, skin smoothening effect or not!

This is Angku the doting mom.

These photos just inspired me too much that I even learned how to use Photoshop. Hahaha!

This is where I learned how to add more depth of field and this is where I learned how to do that skin smoothening effect. And I thought I would never learn!!! Thanks Cheekay and thank you tutorials.

Seriously, I have got to start making a schedule, writing down a to-do list, sticking it up on a cork board or my work wall and crossing out the finished tasks. Wait, I have not set up my work wall or my work area in the first place yet. I have an actual work room. Our apartment has two bedrooms on the second floor. One is the bedroom where all three of us sleep and across the hallway is another room that doesn’t have a bed and instead has my shelves, baskets, books, closets with my clothes, shoes and bags – and my work table set up against the window. It used to have a sofa that became a repository for all my what-nots and which I decided to just haul down the stairs into the living room for visitors to use. Until of course, Typhoon Ondoy came and it floated to the ceiling. Now the sofa is sitting on the garage, which is empty by the way since the car is still somewhere in Manila where mechanics are trying to fix it. Oh I should mention some person has started to demand that we pay a parking fee since it has been there sooo long. Can I just say that we have a very empty garage here at home and if it has been up to us, we would have so loved to have the car back like a month and a half ago. Anyway, since the maid came to live with us, she has her stuff in my work room and she sleeps there too. We don’t have an extra room for her downstairs. My room has been the baby’s play area during the day too. That leaves me to work on the floor in the bedroom or in the living room. I seriously need a work room or even just a work corner where I can “work” properly. What work, one would probably ask. Gosh, I think I am neck-deep in unfinished tasks, I can hardly believe it myself.

This evening as we were dining out in some Italian resto in Rockwell, I realized how much work I have to do and that I have to start making a schedule and that I have to manage my time now. Kind of ironic since in the eyes of everybody, I am just a housewife and a mom. What people do not know is that I have another website that I own, awaiting content, empty for the last five months. I have other blogs and sites I have to write content for. I have to set up other sites too. And those are of course, in addition to my being on Facebook, Multiply.. and um, yeah, Friendster. I happen to love my Friendster blog. It’s the oldest blog I have.

I have to go back and work on my graduate studies too. Yes, thesis, thesis and thesis. This semester I signed up for residency with library privileges so I can work on my thesis writing – which I hope I can formally start by first semester of 2010. My goal is to graduate in 2011. Then, maybe, just maybe, I would still want to pursue my Ph.D. in Media, Technology and Society.

I’ve got unfinished short stories and plays. The wonderful play that I wrote back in 2007, one that I am immensely proud of, has to be re-written, more like re-adjusted so I can (finally) submit it to some award giving body.

And of course, since I am a mother, I have to finish the baby scrapbook, the Christmas tree, the Christmas list and the Christmas postcard. Oh darn, I was asked tonight if we are moving out into a new apartment by first quarter next year. That means more things to do. *straight face*

Yesterday I finally made it out the house to look for a dressmaker. I have to have a dress made for my friend May’s wedding next month. I am quite ecstatic in having found a dressmaker here in the village. Sure, labor cost start at P1,500 but I thought that I am paying more for the convenience. I could look for another dressmaker some place else, cheaper of course, but the idea of taking cabs to get there for fittings plus the amount of time I will spend makes me absolutely sure getting someone within walking distance from my house is worth it.

While I am on the subject, we chose to have this dress’s design made, with some adjustments of course.

Urban Jungle Dress for $99.99 at www.modcloth.com

I am very excited. It was fun to have my measurements taken hah-hah-hah. It’s at 33-24-34. *big eyes* It used to be 31-24-33… I should definitely not be complaining. I suppose this is one of the perks of becoming a mom(?!). *straight face*

I had wanted that ice cream dress copied, complete with the malandi flowers and beads, but the dressmaker said the cloth had to be taffeta for that to work. No matter. Maybe on the next wedding? Hah-hah-hah!

Gosh, I am gushing. My head is all a-buzz I suppose. Blame it on that bazaar I just came from. I will write all about it tomorrow. I have to upload the photos on my Flickr first and I seriously need a good internet connection for that. What I wouldn’t give for a 25mbps connection right now, like the one Ryan had in Kyoto. *straight face*

I have not even managed to upload the Pangasinan photos I have. Those were taken way back in February! My gash, why is my internet soooo slow? I would have more time for other things if I didn’t have to upload photos one by one. Seriously. So much to do, so little time.

As a post-script, I should stop playing Zynga games on Facebook…. *real straight face*