Livin high and takin it easy

Ryan and I came home at seven-forty five this evening to see our daughter still awake, almost two hours past her bedtime, just because she was waiting for us. Earlier this afternoon, she had clung to me like a jellyfish when she saw that I was preparing to go out. Only when I told her Mama needed to work did she let me go and only after I told her, “You know Mama would be back”. That was after I gave her like ten goodbye kisses and after I let her wave goodbye at me outside our gate. It was totally heart-warming to see my little one wait up for me. All my worries and stress all disappeared into thin air when I saw a big four-toothy smile light up her face.

I left the office a little before six. I thought about going straight to Eastwood where I was catching Ryan for a ride home, or dropping by this nice BookSale outlet I happened to chance upon one crazily hot afternoon when I was looking for a taxi after going from one Starbucks outlet to the next at the Araneta Center, all in the pursuit of a refreshingly cool “tall blended whipped cream mocha frappucino”.

I decided I was gonna be a “No day but today” person and walked a few blocks to the little store to get my daughter some books. I came home with nearly-P700 worth of books.

I got her these nice board books at P85 each.

Spring Fever! A Petal Tab book by Salina Yoon

12 pages of shimmery-petal pages filled with ladybugs, bumblebees, blue birds, butterflies, frogs and ducklings and a bright yellow sun. It would be nice to flip through this board book in the morning.

Lullabies Under the Moon by Giovanni Caviezel (Author) and M. Pledger (Illustrator)

12 pages of Little Bunny hopping off into sleepy time.

Product Description:

Little Bunny loves to play, and bedtime always comes too soon! But it’s always nice to say goodnight as Mother hums lullabies under the moon. Snuggle up warm in bed with Little Bunny and go to sleep to the comforting sounds of your favorite lullaby with this book and CD.

Good Night, Leo A Swashbuckling Adventure by Charise Mericle Harper

24 pages of adorable little Leo transforming from pirate to sleepy-head.

Product Description:

IT’S TIME FOR BED, and Leo must get out of his pirate costume and into his pjs, and as he removes each item of clothing, Leo fondly says good night. (“Good night, green bandana . . . Good night, red and white shirt . . .”) Meanwhile, his friend Teddy has other plans as he gets ready for a swashbuckling nighttime adventure. Young readers will love seeing Leo transform from pirate to sleepy-head with a cute surprise ending. This charming good-night book also teaches colors and object identification.

This book actually reminds me of another of Lia’s books…

Flip-A-Face: Big Little

Product Description:

This original and inventive book focuses on parts of animals’ faces, transforming big owl eyes to little chick eyes, pointy tiger teeth to nibbly mouse teeth—all with a flip of a die-cut page. These clever and changeable faces will delight both babies and grown-ups alike.

Little One, God Made You (Inspired by The Purpose-Driven Life)
Written by Amy Warren Hilliker and illustrated by Carol Thompson

I loved this one the moment I saw it because it was very simple and it had little things that Lia and I could do… and illustrations of things Lia and I do.

God made you to love you, little one. There’s no one like you, no, not one.
No one has your tiny nose… Or your wiggly, squiggly toes..
No one has your silly laugh.. When you splash in bubble baths..
When you’re crawling or you’re creeping
While you’re skipping.. while you’re sleeping..
God made you to love you, little one.

Okay, I suppose I will post the other books I bought some other time, since all this looking at board books about sleeping is making me sleepy. I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and I best be sleeping now.

I have not even packed! (panic mode) Maybe that’s just my subconscious expressing its non-desire to leave my little one. I am still very much pissed off with the Nikon service here in the Philippines. I am becoming more and more pissed off as each day, no, week, passes. I have a friend’s wedding to shoot tomorrow and I have no camera! I have got my schedule all messed up tomorrow to accommodate my borrowing of my sister’s camera.

Okay, I better go back to looking at these board books to get me into the calm, sleepy mode.

Today, I celebrate not only my daughter’s first birthday but my first anniversary as a mother. Today, I realized that I will always remember this date and celebrate it, not for my daughter, but for me. Every year my daughter celebrates her birthday, I will commemorate the day I became a mother – undoubtedly, the single most life-changing event of my life.

[more to follow....]

One of the things Ryan got me on his last trip to the U.S. was something he described as, “something you expressed a passing interest in,” the first time he told me about it on the phone. I express a passing interest on a gazillion things so I did not even bother to guess. But well, this is what he came home with:

A Balloon Animals Book and Kit that includes:

* 48-page full-color book featuring tips for getting started and clear instructions for inflating balloons, tying knots, basic twists, balloon decoration, and safety. You’ll also find tips for becoming a successful balloon entertainer.

* Colorful twisty modeling balloons to make the perfect animal assortment! You’ll find balloons in bright rainbow colors: red, yellow, green, blue and orange.

* A sturdy balloon pump.

Yes, at one point, I expressed an interest in balloon making, twisting and decorating. I saw one episode in Net 25′s MOMents a few months ago where they featured an entrepreneur mom who makes balloon decors as little hobby, something to entertain her kids, as well as something to earn a little extra money on the side from; and I remember getting brochures on balloon decorations to look into the cost and the possibility of having lots of balloon decors as well as balloon give-aways at my daughter’s birthday party; and I remember thinking of purchasing a kit in Shopwise once as we were grocery-shopping.

It was something I could not do while I took care of the baby or as she played somewhere near me though because I was afraid it would scare her or worse, hit her when the balloons burst as I was twisting them so the book and kit sat in its box for a few months, until recently, when my sister and my nephew came by to visit and my nephew Sean wanted to look at it and possibly, make his own balloons.

So anyway, I decided it was time to tackle this balloon twisting thing. And to my dismay, it was something I did not have the heart for. Hahahahaha!

My hands get all sweaty when I blow the balloons up that I can’t even tie the end, and I get so nervous when I try to twist it. Hell, I decided balloon twisting is not for me!

Ryan though found it very easy and entertaining, so I have formally given up on this balloon twisting and have gracefully conceded. Balloon twisting is not for me, that much I am sure of. I give up, final na!

party hat

dog

bumblebee

Ryan made all these balloons. The balloons included in this kit are relatively low-quality in that they are thin and bursts easily. We are thinking of buying better, bigger balloons as well as a bigger pump too for when we want to make better designs or make some for the kids to play.

** Click on any of the “Balloon Twisting” links on this blog post to see related links. Each one is different, so you may click to see them all!

After almost four months of being househelp-less, I do think it is time to get one, again. In my entire married life as well as my entire mommy life, I have had a maid slash yaya for only five months.

I keep saying that it was so much easier to take care of the baby when she was younger, meaning, the only things she knew was to eat, sleep, pee and poop. Now she can do this:

I like mixing my things with my mama's. They make for great floor decor.

and this:

I love ripe mango. I love it on my clothes and all over the floor. It is great for practicing swimming on the floor.

and a gazillion other things.

I do not want to keep tidying and arranging and re-arranging things over and over again, two to three times every single day. Lia is now a proficient walker, which I should be thankful for since really, I can no longer carry her in my arms like I did just last month. She is waaaay too heavy now. But Lia being the efficient walker she is, always wants to go out the front door as well as the gate. She wants to run after dogs and cats. She wants to open cabinets and take out clothes and linen. She wants to open the kitchen cabinets under the sink and take out all the cleaning materials as well as the tools out of its box. She wants to play soccer with the dog. She wants to ride her bicycle. She wants to climb up the stairs, up the chairs, up and into her crib, and up into tables. She wants to get her hands on everything and empty baskets, boxes and bookshelves.

A few days ago, as I was buying myself a new computer chair, I was tempted to hoard Lock&Lock plastic containers into which I’d keep every single thing little thing in this house in – just so she would not be able to get her hands on them.

I need househelp now – if only to tidy up the house.

A week after giving birth to my first child, a 6 lbs 1 oz baby girl through almost twelve hours of labor and by normal delivery, I am finding that the hardships of being a new mother is not limited to taking care of the baby but also encompasses dealing with family members.

In the week past I have come to think that most family members insist on seeing the baby for reasons other than welcoming the new little human being into this world. They come on personal selfish reasons.

There is the “I wanted a baby girl too but just couldn’t have one” kind. There is the “I just want to know from whom it takes after” kind. There is also the “I want to see what see as many faults as possible in the baby because it will make me feel better about myself” kind.

Why does it matter from whom the baby takes after? Or isn’t there anything else worth talking about? Doesn’t the mother also need some respect and consideration?
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Okay lang yan, masaya naman siya eh. Ansaya-saya!

This past week has been very, physically and emotionally, exhausting for me. A lot of things happened this week. For some of the important occurrences, one could say, “I saw it coming.”

Ryan going out on a business trip is not something new. He has been going for years. What is different is now we have a baby. I used to not mind his going away. It meant I was going away too. If he was going on 20th for example, I’d book a flight somewhere for 19th and make him drive me to the airport. If he was coming back on the 29th, I’d book mine for 30th and make him pick me up at the airport. Now I can’t go anywhere because I can’t bring the baby to other places just like that, especially by myself. So I stay home.

Staying home in an apartment by yourself, to take care of your seven-month old baby all on your own, without any help from any other family member on any or both sides, and with an insensitive and inconsiderate maid who sleeps earlier and wakes up later than you do is not easy.

Friday I finally snapped my thinning patience and yelled at the maid who instantly packed her things. When it comes to maids (even if I have only had one of my own in my entire life.. the ones my parents had over at our house through all the years of course do not count) I am never one to say or ask, “No, don’t go.” In fact, so enraged was I that  I even had the urge to throw her bags out my gate. An urge quelled by other things of course.

So harassed and exhausted was I that I made a distraught call to the husband who was in the middle of a crazy “Black Friday” sale to tell him that if I had wanted to become nothing more than a housewife, I wouldn’t have taken up graduate studies. That if I had wanted to be a single mother, I would have just gone home to my parents or back to El Nido where I could have a real job and I would be surrounded by a lot of people all the time that I never have to spend a single day taking care of a baby all on my own and nary a person to practice my social and communication skills with.

A hysterical me found myself asking when is it exactly that I would be able to rest? When was the last time I could say I have had a good night’s sleep? I haven’t had a real straight sleep in seven months. I haven’t had a real ME-time in seven months. I keep saying I need to go to the spa for a good massage perhaps but I don’t ever make it. Taking care of a baby, though tremendously rewarding, is also exceptionally tiring. My back used to hurt because I breastfed all through the day and all through the night even as I slept. Now my back hurts because I have to carry around a 20-pound baby. I keep saying one day I’m gonna make it out of the city by myself and have some me-time in some beach in some island somewhere even for a day or two. Just like old times. But I never make it. I cannot be away from my daughter for long periods of time. Not because she demands it, but because I just can’t. I keep wishing I could but I just can’t.

A lot of things is going on right now and I post happy stuff in this site because after all, I want to project that I am living high and taking it easy. One would think my life does not have any privacy at all since I seem to blog all the time, but you would never know what really goes on in my life and I will not tell you either.

Today I was rewarded for all my efforts and hard work with a lot of things I have so wanted. Yes, things. I finally got a Sanuk sandals and a Bamboo tablet. I even got a Nine West sunglasses (which is going to be handy this weekend when we go to Bohol). Ryan finally got himself a point and shoot camera he has been wanting to have for months since he finds it tedious to keep lugging his heavy Nikon D80 around on business trips. That being said, the Nikon D80 is officially mine. Well, it has been mine for some time. The 50mm f.18 lens is mine. I keep thinking of selling my Olmpus E-500 since we hardly use it but I looked at it online to see how much it sells these days and it’s still at about $1000 with used selling from $400 and above. It has not lowered its price that much. I especially love the 40-150mm lens on it and I have a hard time parting with it. Maybe  I won’t.. but what is it gonna be there for?

Ryan even got me a balloon animals book and kit! A few months ago I saw an episode of MOMents where they featured a mom who made balloon decorations as a business on the side and I was sort of envious. No I did not want to put a balloon business but I wanted to be able to make balloon decorations too. We saw a kit at Shopwise once when we were shopping for book shelves but I did not really buy the kit. Ryan said when we were chatting on YM when he was there, “I got you something you at some time expressed a passing interest in,” and I wondered what that was. It seems to me I express passing interest in almost everything and anything, even the most mundane.

I am excited about making little balloon dogs and gators with Lia one of these days.

I am still tired. I am still in need of a good massage. I look at what I have now and I can’t say I’m not happy though. I have to be. These are good things. Some days we get the things we want but not the things we need. Still, is that not something to be thankful for? We know money can’t buy happiness but at least it makes up for some real hard time you have had to and will endure. I deserve these things too I guess. To mask the pain I have in my heart and soothe the pain on my back.

These are photos taken by my friend Cheekay when they visited Lia and me at the apartment. Love these photos! They are too cute!

I tried to put her on my shoulders and she was too heavy. Hahaha! I love this photo because it reminds me of a mother going down the mountains to sell her wares or produce (like vegetables) in town. I am soo rural like that! Or maybe rice… 8.5 kilos of rice.

That’s her new thing these days. The rest-my-head-or-cheek-on-any-part-of-your-body thing. What a sweet little thing… Also, a shiny face is still a shiny face, skin smoothening effect or not!

This is Angku the doting mom.

These photos just inspired me too much that I even learned how to use Photoshop. Hahaha!

This is where I learned how to add more depth of field and this is where I learned how to do that skin smoothening effect. And I thought I would never learn!!! Thanks Cheekay and thank you tutorials.

I had been working on a thought for some time now. I had been slowly processing my thoughts and feelings so that they would come out right. Maybe I will get to process out my thoughts and I would get to write them down in a coherent way some time. For now, this poem just about sums it up.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

– Kahlil Gibran

***

Lia my daughter, though we may be inseparable now, though you are completely dependent on me now, there will come a time when you will let me go and we will go on to live our own separate lives.

Although you came from me, you are not mine, you are you and you are yours alone.

I remember the first time I saw you and that the first thing I thought about was, “Is that my baby? Why is she so ugly? Is that really my baby?”

I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I was really tired from being on labor for twelve hours and the contractions were really painful but I wanted to keep on looking at you, afraid that you were gonna be switched with another baby although we were the only ones in the delivery room, afraid that something was gonna suddenly happen to you, afraid that I might lose you before I even had the chance to see you close or even touch you. I didn’t want to stop looking at you as you screamed your lungs out. I have been waiting so long.

I really thought then, you were really ugly…

But… it was so nice to finally meet you.

You who knocked back whenever I knocked on you. You whom I took everywhere with me. You who moved about so much inside me.

You looked at me when they held you to my chest. You looked at me out of the corner of your eye, as if to say, “Is this how it’s supposed to be done?”

They took you to the nursery while I shivered under lights and thick blankets in the recovery room.

See, you were really ugly then...

... but you still cry like this now...

...exactly like this.

I remember the anesthesiologist saying, “She has a dimple,” and I couldn’t go around to look. I thought dimples surely must not be that obvious in babies that young.. but yes, you did have a dimple.

It shows right here. You smiling with your cute dimple showing, wearing your chef cap..

You do love to smile. Even when you were barely a day old.

I will always miss these days. When you were always bundled in blankets. Snuggled close to me. Warm and comfy..

You and your sweet little round face…

You may not look like me.. but you have my eyes… You still look at me this way. Yes, exactly this way.

…and you smile just like me…

***

Lia baby, it has been six months. I loved you then, I love you now and I always will, no matter what.