13 Jun 2011
by angkuletin Musings
Knees to my chest, a cup of delicious aromatic coffee cradled in my hands, I look up the sky and take in the beauty of clear skies dotted with just about a thousand stars, the Milky Way adding charm, if not magic, in the blackness of the sky, intermittent flashes of lightning behind dark gray clouds hovering over the Pacific Ocean, beyond the horizon, beyond the tops of mango trees, and smile to myself.
It’s going to be a beautiful day I can tell.
I close my eyes and take in the sounds of an early provincial morning, the crows of roosters all around, blending with the feeble yet distinguishable songs of the cicadas, remind me why I like the early morning hours in the province.
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01 Dec 2010
by angkuletin Batanes, Musings Tags: Batan Island, Batanes, me, photography, Rolling Hills, travel
Found these photos from H’s sd card. Photos taken at the Rolling Hills in Batan Island in Batanes, last September. They look good, thanks H. Makes me wanna take the photographer in me seriously.
19 Nov 2010
by angkuletin Musings
I know I’m supposed to only post happy things here (aside from a few old writings here and there from old blogs when I’m too lazy to post anything new) but let me take a moment for this… I was in tears this morning and I am in tears as I write this. I could and can not help it. These people were an important part of my life. They were my inspiration. They were my pillars of support. I have loved them as biologists and mentors. And today my heart weeps. More
24 Jul 2010
by angkuletin Musings
We have a scheduled trip to Bohol on September, just us the little family, and another trip to Batanes with the little family and my mom and her eight other friends but tell you what, I am finding it quite hard to plan for these trips. Why? Because it seems I am losing the traveler in me. Could that be possible?
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12 Apr 2010
by angkuletin Musings
I was watching the news today about the usual, the elections, and of course, NAMFREL has something to say about missing registered voters’ names as well as un-updated voters lists, and someone was interviewed about checking his registration status online and not finding his name on the database… and we were like, “Wha…? You can now check your registration status online?!?”
But then I went back to my room, went back to processing and uploading photos and forgot about the whole thing.. until I went on my Facebook and saw my friend’s link on making sure one is on COMELEC’s registration list and checking one’s name online. Yahoo! I got the link and went on to check my name.. and this is what I got. *straight face goes here*
Well, so much for endeavoring to make it to until the May 10 elections, from my April 22 arrival (hopefully) with my daughter who I will be away from for three whole nights this weekend as we will be going on the Travel Factor trip to Calaguas Island. It’s going to be the longest time yet that I will be away from her. You would think this time I should be used to it but no I am not. The longest so far I have not been with her was two nights! My in-laws are picking her up Friday afternoon as we are leaving by bus Friday night going to Daet and we will be back Monday morning as the bus leaves Daet Sunday night. Technically, we will only be sleeping in the island one night but two whole nights are spent on travel alone. I really wish I could take Lia with me to the island (Calaguas) but we will be sleeping in tents and the boat ride might not be very safe.
I will, though, try my hardest to take her with me to El Nido on the 22nd. We are attending my students graduation. They were my students when they were only in 2nd grade, ages 7 to 8, and now they are graduating from grade school (ages 11 and 12). I wouldn’t miss their graduation for the world. It turns out though I don’t have to stay there until May 10th, as my registration has been deactivated for….
No, I have not been court-sentenced!! 
I came “home” late in 2007.. instead of making it to the May 14th, I arrived May 25th. I really don’t remember why. I do remember why I did not make it to the October 29th baranggay elections, I was a few islands away, in Coron! Oh my. Hahaha. 
Oh well, next elections I guess….
01 Nov 2009
by angkuletin Musings Tags: emo, musings
It’s cold out and I find myself just sighing one after the other. I am preoccupied these days. Not just with things to do but with thoughts. I am overwhelmed with thoughts. If I have been nothing but giddy the last week, this week I am definitely anything but giddy. The more serious part of this is that I am not sure I will be feeling giddy any time soon. Not this coming week most definitely.
The baby scrapbook I have zealously started on two weeks ago with an impromptu shopping spree – if not all shopping sprees are, that left me two thousand pesos poorer as I walked out of this little scrapbooking store in Sta. Lucia is sitting undisturbed on the second floor hallway, after half-finishing the first pages that documented the arrival of the baby almost seven months ago. The idea is to make at least a page for every month for the first year. Just like what my sister Jasmin did for my nephew Sean. That being said, I am [almost] seven months behind.
Speaking of the baby, sometimes I find it hard to believe she is just six months, with all the things she does and can do. I am finally beginning to accept she will be bigger than I will ever be. Literally and hopefully, figuratively. She looks so big. Sometimes I ask out loud, “Is it just me or am I not seeing enough babies to be able to tell whether mine is smaller, or bigger or just the average size for her age?”
I have also been documenting the collection of accessories I have acquired through the years. I plan on disassembling them to fashion them into new and hopefully more exciting pieces. If I fail at exciting at least I will succeed in the new part. I have started putting together a few pieces here and there a few days ago, after a valiant trip to the city of Manila. I say valiant because I had merely wanted to take my mind off things… sad ones specifically. I remember sitting in one jeepney to the next, a blank and sometimes grim expression on my face, not minding the hours. If it was possible to cry, I would have; but I do not want to indulge these tears. I need my strength. I do not want my tears to fall just yet. So far, the city of Manila is the farthest I can go to, given that I cannot be away from the baby for long periods of time. If circumstances were different, I would have been miles and miles away out of the city. The trip to the city of Manila rendered me four thousand pesos poorer, but at least richer by a few points in experience and little tidbits of rather useful information… like where Hidalgo Street is relative to the church of Quiapo. Then again, another little project sitting in one corner of the living room, waiting for me to pick up some inspiration that will drive me to picking them up from their suspended indolence. Yes, their suspended indolence, by virtue of transference.
Like I always do when bothered, or perhaps what most people do, I have been going through my Facebook games in the hopes that mindless clicking will help. No, most people do not go through Facebook games to take their mind off things; just the performance of inconsequential things for the purposes of passing time.
“Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between.” – Narrator, (500) Days of Summer
I am mostly quiet these days. While sitting at a party a few nights ago, I began to wonder whether I still deserve my name. I am more content to sit in the back, observe everyone, just smile, make polite conversations and be more of a wallflower – blending more and more in the background. I have also began to wonder whether I like this change or not. Or was I ever? I am giddiest the most when I am with my high school friends. Or maybe when I am with my theater friends, they are always just giddier than I am.
There is this sadness.. deep within me. These days I am at a loss for words. Unable to communicate or perhaps, unwilling. What is there to say? What can be said that will not be misunderstood?
Did I not tell someone a few nights ago that the past does not bother me anymore? That I do not care anymore, only to be thought of as someone who is apathetic instead of someone who has finally accepted? Is it not enough that I spent most of my twenty seven years asking why and even going through hours paying someone in an attempt to understand? Last month I have come to the realization that some things are just the way they are. A month ago may be pretty recent but that realization is deep down to the core of my heart.
“All over the world, people are losing their futures and yet there are people who are hung up over the past…”- 8th October 2009
If my tears refuse to fall, it is not because my heart is cold and unforgiving. It is because I am trying to be strong.
My parents are coming over this week. I hope they would find some time to come over to see the baby. My husband’s work requires him to fly out of the country more often than is convenient for anyone. He will be gone almost all of this week and the last weeks of this month. He will be gone for half the month and I am surely not looking forward to that. If circumstances were different, I would be occupying myself with travel plans, booking plane tickets and getting reservations to various little resorts; but right now I am preparing myself for what difficulties it will pose to the baby, she being used to having her father around, and for me who will be helping her cope with that absence. I just know it will be trying and tiring and most certainly, un-looking-forwardable.
There is this sadness at the core of my being. There is this sadness gnawing at the edges of my heart. And this is a sadness I am not familiar with. This too is a sadness I will have to bear for months to come. If you find me smiling and laughing on the moments of forgetfulness, consider it a gift to myself and not indifference. If you find me silent, indulge me in a conversation on any subject regardless of significance. If you find me in tears, love me by not asking why.
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