MOMents

My mom, wearing a fab knit hat despite the sweltering heat, came to visit yesterday. It was a present from her friend’s mom in the U.S. she said. My mom is looking good despite the absence of hair, or the presence of little ones sprouting all over her bald head, and her hat looked good on her. As I was preparing Lia for her afternoon walk, putting her shoes on and trying to tie her hair so that it doesn’t get into her eyes, my mom took out the feathered flower from her hat and clipped it onto my daughter’s hair. My daughter did not take it off.

I put her on the the pink and blue tricycle (that can be converted into a bicycle for when she is older) that she made us buy for her last Saturday in Megamall. A trike she loves so much that a few days ago, she insisted on taking her bath while she sat on it. A trike she loves so much but does not mind sharing with our dog Ewok as long as she gets to push it, just the way her Mama pushes it when she is the one sitting on it.

Yesterday, I decided it was fun if Lia and Ewok both sat on the chair – and they both loved it! I ran inside to get the Canon camera, as mine is still at the service center, but found that Ryan had brought it with him to work.  I got my mom’s digicam instead and took photos with it until it ran out of batteries after three shots.

The following photos were instead taken with my Nokia 5630.  The nice photos with Lia and Ewok both sitting on the tricycle are in my mom’s digicam.

***

The wind blew the feathers in her hair and she just had to wonder…
what is out there in the world yonder?

A look of love was in her eyes
Enough to melt her mother’s heart..

I love you and days like this, it seemed to say
And her mother thought, “Baby, I hope you will always look at me that way.”

Ahh, the days pass us by in the blink of an eye…

And we all try our best to hold on to pictures and memories
For in the end, we will have nothing else but stories..

We were dining at a resto in Megamall yesterday and at a nearby table, another family was also dining. There was the mom, the dad and a little boy who was a little more than one year old. Lia, who is always about meeting other kids, went up to the other table and started interacting with the little boy.

A few minutes later, the boy came down his chair and was standing right in front of Lia. Without saying anything, he went up to her, held out his arms to embrace her and kissed her on the cheek. Lia stood there, an expression of total shock on her face.

I was laughing as I took her away and back to our table. A few minutes later, she started blabbing and indicated she wanted to come down her chair and walk. I let her down and the minute her feet touched the floor, started walking in the direction of the little boy and his dad, blabbing indignantly all the way. I was just laughing. My offended little girl was out to give it to the little boy.

But the minute she reached him still indignantly blabbing away, he stood there, not saying a word, held out his arms once again to embrace her and was about to give her another kiss! The little boy’s embarrassed dad stopped him, and laughingly took him away. I had to take my still incensed little girl away too.

But boy, that was one funny scenario. A classic girl-boy relationship: nagging girl and kissing boy. Here is a nice image..

… or perhaps a better and more apt one would be this.

I sat on my chair, with myself and the dog, rested my head on the top of the back support, only to look up at a graying blue sky and one lonely, shining bright early evening star; and I think to myself, you are my one shining bright star, even more made lovelier in the wet pools of my eyes.

This is not supposed to be that hard. I am supposed to enjoy this time for myself yet here I am wallowing in my loneliness, missing you like I have never missed you before. I realize that for the past two years, there was nothing else in my life but you. You for whom I quit my job, my studies, my friends and almost everything else to have. You for whom I have basically lived my life for. You, the one lovely, the brightest ever, star to have graced my life.

I sat there and hit my head against the wall. I’m supposed to be doing things I cannot do when you are around. I’m not supposed to be sitting here, doing nothing and just wallowing in my longing for you. I am supposed to do some thing, many things.

So I gathered your laundry and prepared to wash them, breathing in the smell of you. I gathered the dishes in the sink to wash, your bright pink plate, spoon and fork making a plastic sound against the china and the glasses. I took out the Kleen glass cleaner, sprayed it on the giant mirror hanging over our dining area, on the television set and on the living room side table and started wiping your hand prints off the surfaces as my vision blurred, my eyes swimming once again in little pools. I almost held my hand back, hesitant to wipe the traces of you off our little surfaces but I remember that I have to clean it, so you can make new hand prints. I thought of the wonderful big smile on your little face as you wipe and splatter food all over the television yet again and I had to smile myself.

I went up our bedroom and started taking the sheets and pillowcases off to wash tomorrow, hoping that you would not mind the clean springtime smell when you come back. I know you always resent it when the bed does not smell of Mama and you. I know you resent it when I change the sheets without asking you so I always had to change it as you watch so you would know that even if it does not smell the way you like it, it is still the same bed.

I had to clean up our little play-work room so I can work and think better and also so that you can have more fun looking for your things in all their proper places – that is, not in all the places where you last left them, scattered and cluttered about.

After all this tidying up is done, I have to mop the floor. I know you don’t mind the dirty floor but I do. I’d like to walk around and not have all kinds of things stuck to the heels of my feet.

We must get a maid soon I know so I can devote more time to myself and to some form of work instead of spending all my time cleaning up after you and the increasingly amount of mess you are able to make each passing day. I know when we had the maid before, it did not benefit you at all. It was all for me and the next time, it will still be. I know you’d be happy to spend all your time with me here at home but Mama has to do things for herself too. For that, you will have to forgive me and I hope you understand.

If you are wondering why you’re not where you’re supposed to be right now – sleeping in our own room, in your own crib, waiting for your Mama to move you to the big bed so you can sleep the rest of the night next to her and wake up to the sight of her face, it is because Mama has to be out tomorrow afternoon for a little job interview and she has no one to leave you with. Papa is out of the country again because of work and there is no one else to look after you but Lolo and Lola.

I know I asked for some time away but I did not ask for three days and two nights. I know it is not the first time you will be sleeping without me, waking up without me, and maybe you wonder why Mama is all distraught. Let me tell you that I do not mind sleeping in another bed, in another room without you for a night or two, as long as its not in this house. I have always slept with you in this bed ever since you were born. I spent every waking and sleeping moment with you for the past twenty months and tonight will be the first night I will be sleeping in this bed without you. Until this evening, I guess I have never really known the true meaning of longing.

I hope you are having a good time wherever you are. I know you will be very busy exploring your new environment and perhaps might not even notice my absence, until the middle of the night, when in your sleep you search for the scent of my skin or the feel of my arms and even my palms on your own little ones. After all, the kids never miss the parents as much as the parents miss the kids..

… but I will see you soon my love.

..

…

Okay lang yan, masaya naman siya eh. Ansaya-saya!

This past week has been very, physically and emotionally, exhausting for me. A lot of things happened this week. For some of the important occurrences, one could say, “I saw it coming.”

Ryan going out on a business trip is not something new. He has been going for years. What is different is now we have a baby. I used to not mind his going away. It meant I was going away too. If he was going on 20th for example, I’d book a flight somewhere for 19th and make him drive me to the airport. If he was coming back on the 29th, I’d book mine for 30th and make him pick me up at the airport. Now I can’t go anywhere because I can’t bring the baby to other places just like that, especially by myself. So I stay home.

Staying home in an apartment by yourself, to take care of your seven-month old baby all on your own, without any help from any other family member on any or both sides, and with an insensitive and inconsiderate maid who sleeps earlier and wakes up later than you do is not easy.

Friday I finally snapped my thinning patience and yelled at the maid who instantly packed her things. When it comes to maids (even if I have only had one of my own in my entire life.. the ones my parents had over at our house through all the years of course do not count) I am never one to say or ask, “No, don’t go.” In fact, so enraged was I that  I even had the urge to throw her bags out my gate. An urge quelled by other things of course.

So harassed and exhausted was I that I made a distraught call to the husband who was in the middle of a crazy “Black Friday” sale to tell him that if I had wanted to become nothing more than a housewife, I wouldn’t have taken up graduate studies. That if I had wanted to be a single mother, I would have just gone home to my parents or back to El Nido where I could have a real job and I would be surrounded by a lot of people all the time that I never have to spend a single day taking care of a baby all on my own and nary a person to practice my social and communication skills with.

A hysterical me found myself asking when is it exactly that I would be able to rest? When was the last time I could say I have had a good night’s sleep? I haven’t had a real straight sleep in seven months. I haven’t had a real ME-time in seven months. I keep saying I need to go to the spa for a good massage perhaps but I don’t ever make it. Taking care of a baby, though tremendously rewarding, is also exceptionally tiring. My back used to hurt because I breastfed all through the day and all through the night even as I slept. Now my back hurts because I have to carry around a 20-pound baby. I keep saying one day I’m gonna make it out of the city by myself and have some me-time in some beach in some island somewhere even for a day or two. Just like old times. But I never make it. I cannot be away from my daughter for long periods of time. Not because she demands it, but because I just can’t. I keep wishing I could but I just can’t.

A lot of things is going on right now and I post happy stuff in this site because after all, I want to project that I am living high and taking it easy. One would think my life does not have any privacy at all since I seem to blog all the time, but you would never know what really goes on in my life and I will not tell you either.

Today I was rewarded for all my efforts and hard work with a lot of things I have so wanted. Yes, things. I finally got a Sanuk sandals and a Bamboo tablet. I even got a Nine West sunglasses (which is going to be handy this weekend when we go to Bohol). Ryan finally got himself a point and shoot camera he has been wanting to have for months since he finds it tedious to keep lugging his heavy Nikon D80 around on business trips. That being said, the Nikon D80 is officially mine. Well, it has been mine for some time. The 50mm f.18 lens is mine. I keep thinking of selling my Olmpus E-500 since we hardly use it but I looked at it online to see how much it sells these days and it’s still at about $1000 with used selling from $400 and above. It has not lowered its price that much. I especially love the 40-150mm lens on it and I have a hard time parting with it. Maybe  I won’t.. but what is it gonna be there for?

Ryan even got me a balloon animals book and kit! A few months ago I saw an episode of MOMents where they featured a mom who made balloon decorations as a business on the side and I was sort of envious. No I did not want to put a balloon business but I wanted to be able to make balloon decorations too. We saw a kit at Shopwise once when we were shopping for book shelves but I did not really buy the kit. Ryan said when we were chatting on YM when he was there, “I got you something you at some time expressed a passing interest in,” and I wondered what that was. It seems to me I express passing interest in almost everything and anything, even the most mundane.

I am excited about making little balloon dogs and gators with Lia one of these days.

I am still tired. I am still in need of a good massage. I look at what I have now and I can’t say I’m not happy though. I have to be. These are good things. Some days we get the things we want but not the things we need. Still, is that not something to be thankful for? We know money can’t buy happiness but at least it makes up for some real hard time you have had to and will endure. I deserve these things too I guess. To mask the pain I have in my heart and soothe the pain on my back.