I always forego writing anything, for lack of time. I am so busy. I am exhausted most of the time. I am always running after time and I barely have a moment to catch my breath. Today, I will take a moment â€“ just once in the freneticity of my days, to write down, after six months, pieces of my thoughts.
Two days ago, I came up the overpass to cross to where my village is, and looked up to see a glorious sunset. Much like my sunsets of old, my sunsets in El Nido – though less spectacular, glorious nonetheless. It was not as red, nor as pink, nor as deeply hued. I could not see the purples, violets, or fuchsias. It was a patch of colors in a sea of galvanized iron sheets.
I could remember how for countless times, I sat down on the beach and gazed on shimmery magenta and carmine skies, feeling lonely, missing love. Now I have love, plenty of it, but I am missing passion. Trapped within concrete, no opportunity to be carefree. No more sleeping on sandy sarongs. No more lying on my back in a bed of water. No more gazing at a canopy of stars. No more double rainbows. No more rushing waves. I have love aplenty, but my world is lacking in beauty. It is ugly.
Looking at my patch of sky, my piece of sunset, I cannot help but think about the sunset someone somewhere is having. For after all, it is the same sun, and it is the same sky. It is a thousand different sunsets for a thousand different emotions, and a thousand different thoughts. This is mine and I am sharing it with you, in the hope that you can understand who and what I am.
I am not really very happy.
My wedding is fifty-two days away and I cannot wait for it to be over. â€œWorking, studying and preparing for a wedding is tiring. It’s exhausting. Believe me when I say that, I did that when I was your age, my previous employer said when I told him about my plans for this year. I should’ve listened. Weddings are never simple and inexpensive. And it is a lot of hard work.
We planned everything by ourselves. I spent countless nights figuring out how to cut costs, figuring out which suppliers to book. We spent countless days and hours on the road, visiting prospective suppliers, bridal fairs, doing ocular visits.
I have a very demanding job (one that I was warned against and which I did not heed, typical of me), a 3 unit masters class that meets twice (and 6 hours) a week and a wedding to plan and believe me I am going out of my head. And aside from my fiancee, which you cannot say anything against, I am going crazy all by myself.
This sunset, I have caught a glimpse of on top of an overpass along the length of C-5, is just what I need at the end of the day, when I am exhausted way beyond my strength. My sunset would be the same as yours, if you happened to catch it at the same time I did, but your feelings will nowhere be near mine. We may be looking at the same sun, same sky and see the same colors but you have your own sunset and this sunset is mine and mine alone.
Written September 8, 2006
This post first appeared here.