I sat on my chair, with myself and the dog, rested my head on the top of the back support, only to look up at a graying blue sky and one lonely, shining bright early evening star; and I think to myself, you are my one shining bright star, even more made lovelier in the wet pools of my eyes.
This is not supposed to be that hard. I am supposed to enjoy this time for myself yet here I am wallowing in my loneliness, missing you like I have never missed you before. I realize that for the past two years, there was nothing else in my life but you. You for whom I quit my job, my studies, my friends and almost everything else to have. You for whom I have basically lived my life for. You, the one lovely, the brightest ever, star to have graced my life.
I sat there and hit my head against the wall. I’m supposed to be doing things I cannot do when you are around. I’m not supposed to be sitting here, doing nothing and just wallowing in my longing for you. I am supposed to do some thing, many things.
So I gathered your laundry and prepared to wash them, breathing in the smell of you. I gathered the dishes in the sink to wash, your bright pink plate, spoon and fork making a plastic sound against the china and the glasses. I took out the Kleen glass cleaner, sprayed it on the giant mirror hanging over our dining area, on the television set and on the living room side table and started wiping your hand prints off the surfaces as my vision blurred, my eyes swimming once again in little pools. I almost held my hand back, hesitant to wipe the traces of you off our little surfaces but I remember that I have to clean it, so you can make new hand prints. I thought of the wonderful big smile on your little face as you wipe and splatter food all over the television yet again and I had to smile myself.
I went up our bedroom and started taking the sheets and pillowcases off to wash tomorrow, hoping that you would not mind the clean springtime smell when you come back. I know you always resent it when the bed does not smell of Mama and you. I know you resent it when I change the sheets without asking you so I always had to change it as you watch so you would know that even if it does not smell the way you like it, it is still the same bed.
I had to clean up our little play-work room so I can work and think better and also so that you can have more fun looking for your things in all their proper places â€“ that is, not in all the places where you last left them, scattered and cluttered about.
After all this tidying up is done, I have to mop the floor. I know you don’t mind the dirty floor but I do. I’d like to walk around and not have all kinds of things stuck to the heels of my feet.
We must get a maid soon I know so I can devote more time to myself and to some form of work instead of spending all my time cleaning up after you and the increasingly amount of mess you are able to make each passing day. I know when we had the maid before, it did not benefit you at all. It was all for me and the next time, it will still be. I know you’d be happy to spend all your time with me here at home but Mama has to do things for herself too. For that, you will have to forgive me and I hope you understand.
If you are wondering why you’re not where you’re supposed to be right now – sleeping in our own room, in your own crib, waiting for your Mama to move you to the big bed so you can sleep the rest of the night next to her and wake up to the sight of her face, it is because Mama has to be out tomorrow afternoon for a little job interview and she has no one to leave you with. Papa is out of the country again because of work and there is no one else to look after you but Lolo and Lola.
I know I asked for some time away but I did not ask for three days and two nights. I know it is not the first time you will be sleeping without me, waking up without me, and maybe you wonder why Mama is all distraught. Let me tell you that I do not mind sleeping in another bed, in another room without you for a night or two, as long as its not in this house. I have always slept with you in this bed ever since you were born. I spent every waking and sleeping moment with you for the past twenty months and tonight will be the first night I will be sleeping in this bed without you. Until this evening, I guess I have never really known the true meaning of longing.
I hope you are having a good time wherever you are. I know you will be very busy exploring your new environment and perhaps might not even notice my absence, until the middle of the night, when in your sleep you search for the scent of my skin or the feel of my arms and even my palms on your own little ones. After all, the kids never miss the parents as much as the parents miss the kids..
… but I will see you soon my love.