I remember the first time I saw you and that the first thing I thought about was, “Is that my baby? Why is she so ugly? Is that really my baby?”

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I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I was really tired from being on labor for twelve hours and the contractions were really painful but I wanted to keep on looking at you, afraid that you were gonna be switched with another baby although we were the only ones in the delivery room, afraid that something was gonna suddenly happen to you, afraid that I might lose you before I even had the chance to see you close or even touch you. I didn’t want to stop looking at you as you screamed your lungs out. I have been waiting so long.

I really thought then, you were really ugly…

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But… it was so nice to finally meet you.

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You who knocked back whenever I knocked on you. You whom I took everywhere with me. You who moved about so much inside me.

You looked at me when they held you to my chest. You looked at me out of the corner of your eye, as if to say, “Is this how it’s supposed to be done?”

They took you to the nursery while I shivered under lights and thick blankets in the recovery room.

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See, you were really ugly then...

See, you were really ugly then...

... but you still cry like this now...

... but you still cry like this now...

...exactly like this.

...exactly like this.

I remember the anesthesiologist saying, “She has a dimple,” and I couldn’t go around to look. I thought dimples surely must not be that obvious in babies that young.. but yes, you did have a dimple.

It shows right here. You smiling with your cute dimple showing, wearing your chef cap..

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You do love to smile. Even when you were barely a day old.

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I will always miss these days. When you were always bundled in blankets. Snuggled close to me. Warm and comfy..

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You and your sweet little round face…

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You may not look like me.. but you have my eyes… You still look at me this way. Yes, exactly this way.

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…and you smile just like me…

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Lia baby at 6 months - unedited

Lia baby, it has been six months. I loved you then, I love you now and I always will, no matter what.